I hope everything is going fine at the North Pole. You wouldn't believe how good I've been this year. Down here in my kingdom, I have everything under control (although some people still insist on stating the contrary).
The days of running and rolling in the mud are way gone. I am a new dog. I have grown. I have matured. That's why I think that I deserve all and each one of the items enumerated on this list:
Item #1: Red Squirrel with Nut
Imported from the United Kingdom. The perfect toy for me to chase and chew on. UK Price: £16.99
Item #2: Ropes
For my "tug-a-war" sessions.
Medium size - 9" - 11" - $3.25
Item #3: Pork skins
The humans I live with have never given me a bite. Not even the crumbs.
I've always wondered what they taste like.
Bring me a box. I don't care what flavor. I'll wolf it up anyway.
Shipping Weight: 2 lbs.
Container Size: 10" x 10.25" x 12.5"
Case Cube: .74 cu. ft.
The box contains 12 Bags.
Price: $13.60
I won't hold my breath on this one...
To keep my breath fresh and clean.
On sale for the friendly price of $1.49.
Item #5: Ray Ban sunglasses
Just like the ones Tom Cruise used in the movie Risky Business, (1983)
Item #6: Westie Scarf
At the Westie Rescue Website, a non-profit organization committed to helping Westies without a home. (It's a charity organization and it's the Holidays for Goodness sake!)
And last but not least:
Item # 7: Convertible Mini Cooper 2006
This version comes with a sport brake kit, customized pedals for dogs and a limited-slip differential.
Another change this year is a Checkmate styling package; a specially patterned anti-scratch dash panel with a blinking speed regulator, uniquely patterned cloth/leather (I prefer leather)sport seats, a musical horn and suspension with stability control for uneven terrains.
(This last feature makes the driving experience much smoother, especially when chasing cheetahs and kangaroos).
There's also a few new stand-alone options, including the leather upholstery, the new dash trim panels, silver exterior highlights, and the new wheel design with claw indentations.
If for some reason you can't get me any of the first six items, then just bring me the car.
Oh! And I almost forgot: I want it in the same color as that retriever Leroy Hatsis from dogster.com
(Price starting at $30,600).
Yours truly,
Simon the Westie
1 comment:
Simon, my little westie friend,
If I didn’t answer sooner is because my laptop ran out of batteries last night.
Once again, and as a consequence of all the sleepless weeks I forgot to charge the batteries. You’ll see. It is not only your letter and your list that we have to process. I also have to read more than ten billion of other letters and e-mails I receive from all over the world. You’ll see, these days I am extremely busy. To the usual struggle with the helpers and the toy assembly line I deal with on a daily basis you have to add the unexpected complications. Last night a considerable amount of water got into the garage where we keep the sleigh and got flooded. Good thing Rudolph called maintenance and they could take care of it right away. One of the elves almost drowned. It’s the ice caps that are melting and we have no control over it….
I need more people, a better logistics and a new generator…but going back to your list. Don’t you think you are being too much of a selfish puppy? Why would you ask for a car when I can’t even get my sleigh started? We have cannibalized parts from other equipment to make it work and you are asking for a car? Also, are you sure you have been a good puppy? Not according to the information I handle (and trust me, I do know) you have asked for seven items. I could give you seven reasons why you won’t be getting any of them this Christmas…and most of them have to do with your bad behavior this year….
Reason #1: Rolling in the mud like a pig and tracking into the house.
Reason # 2: Being too tender with your bed.
Reason # 3: Growling at the humans with whom you share your space.
Reason # 4: Not going to bed on time because you’re too busy “exploring” the patio front.
Reason # 5: Waking Aunt Cathy at 3:30 AM.
Reason # 6: Tearing up the blind with your sharp claws.
Reason # 7: Begging for food.
(and these are just a few…)
There is, however, one way I may consider your petition on the condition that you do a true examination of conscience and repentance. There are still 48 hours left till Christmas…If you really feel sorry for the other twenty-three naughty things I’ve read on your criminal record, then I could consider bringing you some of the things you requested…but I can’t promise…just remember: Christmas is not as much as about receiving material things as it is about giving love, friendship and peace…Sleep this over and you may find a surprise in your stocking Christmas morning…
Ho! Ho! Ho!
Santa Claus
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